I am on a quest. These last few days a lot has been going through my head. I have been focusing on what it is that I really want. I have been concentrating on realizing the things I lost over the last few years. I am in college - I thought I would be expanding my mind but instead I feel like I am imploding on myself. I have lost the passion for the things that used to drive me. I have lost motivation, balance and action in my life. Many of the things that I have cherished in the past have become foreign to me. I love school and the people around me. I have been maturing and growing in some ways - I have been learning a lot in classrom. Facts data and methods. and in life too. I have been turning into an adult. And sadly a lot of the time in out lives that means loosing imagination, creativity, passion and verve for life. But I feel I have abandoned the things near and dear to my heart. These last few days have been a wonderful time of reflection and refocusing of what is important to me and what I need to be doing. I have been focusing on getting back to the basics. I wish to restore the passion verve and drive in my life. I have regained the focus I had once before. I know what I must do, what is commanded of me, I have been motivating myself and discussing it with people around me. This is a critical time in my life. I must press forward onto the right path and make all the right turns and stops along the way. This is an exciting time in my life. Even though it is important and hard I am lighthearted about it. As my motivation I must remember to do what I my will tells me. To not be such a lazy ass. And to Force my self to try new challenges and get out of my comfort zone. I will experience life as there is no replay, this is not a rehearsal. I will live my days so as to regret nothing. I will keep in mind the quote of Voltaire from Candide "We must cultivate our garden." Happiness is easily obtained. But do not strive for it, do not look for it; simply live your life and do what is commanded of you. Remember to be considerate. Start the day right. smile and be happy. move on. be humble. help others. Scout Law - ULTIMATELY YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!! don’t fool yourself. The worse thing you can ever do is lie to yourself and not learn from your mistakes. LOVE remember to love, do things out of love and for love . . . . . . .

QUOTES for reflection . . ..

Egotism is nature's compensation for mediocrity.
L. A. Safian


Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
Helen Keller


Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas A. Edison


It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.


Thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations, and thou shalt be called, the repairer of the breach, the restorer of paths to dwell in.
Isaiah 58:12

AIM chat about my personality and some of my core beliefs - this is only the start - one level of ME. I am one confusing fucker.
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Zoya: hey why DO they call u raven?
Larry: that’s my nickname
Zoya: I know that
Larry: Line Name
Zoya: I’m asking how u got it
Zoya: or why
Larry: I chose it
Zoya: why did u choose raven
Larry: it has a lot of symbolism that I feel describes/represents me
Zoya: such as?
Zoya: darkness?
Larry: mysterious, often misunderstood, solitude, fortitude, Master of ones destiny, silent witness to the world, messenger . . .
Larry: they are unique and different - like me
Larry: it’s my "familiar"
Larry: I share a lot of characteristics with cordaivaphiliacs
Larry: I am my own person
Larry: I like being different but myself
Larry: in general I don’t care what others think - at least I wont let that stop me from acting the way I want
Zoya: I see
Zoya: haha I know trust me
Zoya: hey did u listen to the song yet?!
Larry: I have a certain hatred for the normal and mainstream
Zoya: hatred?
Larry: dislike
Larry: animosity
Zoya: why
Zoya: why does it matter, if that's how people want to be
Larry: hatred is too strong
Zoya: maybe they're just being themselves too
Larry: no not towards people
Zoya: u mean society?
Larry: towards conformity and the boring norm - I like change and variety
Zoya: u know you are just like my cousin...I had like a three hour talk with him about all this stuff last night
Zoya: u would like him a lot
Larry: I need more than what’s on the surface level of things
Larry: that’s what the norm is
Larry: the surface level
Zoya: I think everyone deep down needs that though
Larry: well I'm not satisfied with it
Larry: some people are
Larry: there is so much more why would I want just that
Zoya: u shouldn't want just that
Zoya: no one should
Larry: exactly
Larry: some people do though
Larry: listen to one type of music
Zoya: I think a lot of people pretend to be satisfied with just that cuz that's what society has taught them
Larry: never exploring anything different
Larry: exactly
Zoya: and those who truly are satisfied with that...just don't really understand that there is more to themselves
Larry: that’s where the animosity comes in
Larry: its almost pathetic to me
Zoya: no need for animosity...my cousin said the exact same thing
Zoya: people live their lives in different ways
Larry: but not that hostile
Zoya: you might want to teach them and get frustrated that they don't see beyond it
Zoya: but some people are just happy with the way things are
Larry: I don’t try to teach anything
Zoya: and I think in the end it all comes down to that...its important
Zoya: well want them to realize then I don't know
Larry: I just show them - bring it to there knowledge
Larry: if they aren’t interested that’s their loss
Zoya: and let them do what they want it
Zoya: exactly
Larry: I try to promote awareness
Larry: not change
Zoya: I think that's what everyone should do
Larry: I just want you to at least be aware
Zoya: you in the general sense
Zoya: or you as in me?
Zoya: is there one thing you can do or be doing that just likes totally makes you lose yourself
Larry: no general
Zoya: random question huh?
Larry: rock climbing - some books
Larry: any type of outdoor exertion
Larry: talking about things like this
Zoya: ya
Zoya: I think for me
Zoya: its music
Zoya: and sitting by myself somewhere just beautiful
Zoya: like a lake...or an overlook anything
Zoya: but I love talking
Larry: being in the wilderness is where it’s at for me
Zoya: I love it when it’s just aesthetic to me
Zoya: its calms me
Larry: a quote from candides VOltaire says it all for me
Zoya: when I used to visit I used to go out here all the time to the lake
Zoya: what?
Larry: Voltaire’s Candide that is
Zoya: what's the quote
Larry: ever read the book?
Zoya: oh and ART
Zoya: no sorry
Zoya: art makes me lose myself too
Zoya: which is why I love museums...
Larry: "We Must Cultivate Our Garden"
Larry: anything of beauty - i.e. museums
Zoya: that is a very nice quote
Zoya: that's true
Zoya: I love architecture
Larry: if you don’t read the book it’s hard for you to understand it
Larry: me to
Zoya: isn't the garden your mind?
Zoya: or your soul
Larry: that’s why I’m going Civil Engineering
Zoya: or your life
Larry: if you want to break it down like that it could be
Larry: but in a more basic form
Zoya: or the world
Zoya: wow it could mean a lot actually
Larry: they were actually working in a garden
Larry: it basically means
Larry: happiness comes through the simplicity of things
Zoya: ya it does
Larry: like I told you I am always most happy when I am handling my shit
Larry: that’s what it means
Larry: do what life requires of you not all this other bullshit
Larry: not having a nice house
Larry: or going to snobby parties
Larry: or having power
. . . . . .

damn im fucking up - its finals time and im still up working on stuff i should be saving for later - i am an insomniac - ahhhh - the pain of no sleep is starting to hit - ehy am i typing - i need to sleep - i must stop - i will stop. PAX! oh man im soo tired. i will nock out now - it makes me feel sick how tired i am. ok now i am done.